Wednesday, April 29, 2009
{ 7:40 AM }
today's the last day. wonder how many times have i dreamt of this day ever since i became a councillor. but slowly along the way, i learnt to love something i am reluctant to accept. i love it for the people inside, for the things that i can do, the interaction between people, for the epxperience it gives and the satisfaction when you see your babies(events and mentees) grow. council has made up a large portion of me. it's like something i do everyday, something that is in my blood and that i can never forget or miss out. now, as we step down, i feel so empty. i feel as though there's a big part of me missing. tomorrow onwards, no more gathering at the study benches for morning ass, no more morning ass duty, no more staying back late to prepare for events, no more hanging out in council room..i wonder what kind of life will that be. well, i guess i'm about to experience it tml. sigh. one year is just too fast. too fast to even open your eyes after you closed it.
today is such a bad day to end my term. i cant believe all the while you hadnt understand me when i thought you were the one who understood the most. i am so disappointed in you, yet i feel dumb for having so much faith in you. thinking back, i wonder why i was hurt by whatever you said. by right it shouldnt have mattered to me. but it poked my wound. the wound i had to try and hide for so many months. is it successful? i dont know if it is. maybe on the surface, it does look like it is. but tell me, when that thing has hurt a fellow comm member in the process, has spoilt the relationship between people, then is it still successful? to me, i think i have failed. i really hadnt done much? no. i tried so hard. i really did. but i'm too weak to fight on. i still tried. i didnt give up. i tried my best to make sure everything went well. i did my part. and who thanked me? who appreciated me? who even remembered that there is this person called theodora behind the stage? nobody does and i know it deep down inside, just that i chose to act as though i didnt know the answer has already existed in my heart.
i dont understand why others always try to ask the ics dont stress, but when i was one, nobody even noticed i was one. you all comforted those ics who cried and got angry and looked stressed. but me? all i could do was hide in the toilet and cry. i dont need people to pity me. all i need is someone to understand me. but nobody does. everyone turns a blind eye to things that are obviously happening but not seen, everyone pretend not to hear. they only care about whatever that's happening on the outside. why? why cant you people stop to listen to what others have to say. is it fair to make others listen to you when you yourself hadnt been doing the same thing. that's because you dont care. if you dont care even about the people inside, do you think you have feelings for the organisation? i though i was numbed, but it still hurts. i'm sorry. maybe it should take a very long time to heal.
are we like what we used to be? or have we changed? is it you or is it me? but i havent seen much change in myself. all i could feel now is confused again.
is there anything to numb myself? i tried but it still hurts badly. is it my fault again?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
{ 8:45 AM }
it's so hard to find someone you can trust now because you don't know who is real and who is not. and now, i'm so confused.
suddenly i felt so guilty for being such a friend. i felt so grateful you were there for me when i needed someone. at least there was you to turn to when the people out there were so merry and all i can do is hide in a corner and cry. i've always said i felt lonely but i never thought of you. maybe i'm wrong. i'm so sorry. i see myself in you. but you were there to comfort me and what i can do now is to aggravate your pain. maybe i havent thought of the what if you are not there scenario. if you weren't there, maybe i would have cried till i die. no matter what, thank you for being there. and we're still friends.
today brought my past up. it's like the past is haunting me again. i feel frustrated for being part of it. why must i be the one? why is it always me? must i always be the weakest one? 我不服. i cannot stay like this and settle for it.
i question my presence. why am i here? what am i doing? why am i doing this? did i come here by choice, or am i made to come here? am i still happy? are these people my friends? do they mean what they say? are they who they are? why am i so stupid? why cant i fend for myself? why do i willow in self pity hoping for someone to pity me? WHY AM I IN THE FREAKING MESSED UP LIFE??????
dear angel,
i should've known that i am left with no one ever since the day you left. if i say i miss you, will you come back to life? and live life with me like we have been living since i came into the world (till the day you decided to leave me). and now i am left confused. will you come and save me? but i guess you won't be here anymore. you left to give me a chance to learn, to grow up. but if growing up is killing me slowly and softly, will you still come? or will you still stick to what you intended for me. Please angel, tell me what to do now.
pain is good, because it's the only thing that make you feel human again.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
{ 6:50 AM }
i did something bad today and i'm feeling really bad now. it's the kind of guilty feeling, the fear that someone will find out what you just did. i know the consequences i'll have to face is undesirable, yet i cant help but chance it. oh please, let no one find out how naughty i am. actually i'm not. i have a reason. ok, a reason is just an excuse only. sigh. will i be forgiven? dear lord, please forgive your sinful daughter. and i pray that nobody will ever find out what i have done. i promise not to do it again. i swear! if i ever do this again, i'm willing to bear the consequences now and then. but for now, spare me? let me get away with this for just one time. will this be kept a secret forever? why have i degraded myself to doing that? that's because i dont want to hurt anyone, especially you and me. maybe more of me, so forgive me for being so selfish. forgive me for being such a letdown. forgive me for being a _(secret)_.
my mind is in a roller coaster. i cant decide where is the front and where is the back. is that the opening of the cave? i thought i saw the light, but it flickered off again. so maybe that was not what i had been looking for. it is that artificial light that saved me. yet i dont know if it really did. or did it land me in deeper shit? i guess no one will ever understand my feeling right now. it's alright if you think i'm bad. but please do try to understand where i'm coming from. it's insufferable. i suck because i'm a bad bad bad bad bad girl=(
Sunday, April 19, 2009
{ 6:43 AM }
i'm so confused now. i dont know who is the good person and who is the bad one. someone just reminded me that there is no absolute black and white in this world. there are many areas of grey where people still havent clearly defined. you were nice, but you are not. i feel so stupid being deceived by you. i shouldnt have trusted you in the first place. it's all my fault for what you have done to me. and now, i have hurt the people around me because of my childish acts. i'm am so sorry for those people whom i have snapped at throughout this course of time. i lied to myself because i couldnt come to terms with your changed attitude to everyone. i still fighting in myself because i dont know if this is the true you or what. now i finally came to terms with it and i am fustrated with myself. why am i so stupid?? well i am stupid. i saw you through the eyes of a stranger, unbiased by the nice things you have done for me. at least i woke up from my dream(: thank you for making me realise that nobody is nice. seeing is not believing. things are made to look as though it is what it seemed.
ctc has ended and it taught me many good lessons. it made me see things i have never seen before and it brought me back to a year ago when we were first recruited as the 6th students council. i cant imagine life without council work. although it is tiring, but i felt joy when i worked with the other councillors. thank you everyone for making my journey a fun and enriching one although emotionally i am strained by everything that has happened in council.
but it made me wonder why i am where i am. sigh.
Monday, April 13, 2009
{ 7:15 AM }
i so tired. physically weak and mentally drained. i feel like giving up now. it's becoming increasingly difficult to face my yesterday and it's even more difficult to move on. why keep pushing on when all you get is disappointment-disappointed faces, foul mood and tired bodies accompanied by tired brains.
i'm sorry if i couldnt tell you earlier. i don't have the courage to open my mouth. i planned to tell you today, but everytime i see your face, i didnt want to hurt you. i'm so sorry for being such a disappointment. i'm so sorry. maybe you're right, you will be better off without me. suddenly i'm so sick of life. time is rushing by and i'm still where i was a while ago. the time wave is so suffocating i could not breathe.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
{ 8:57 AM }
it's almost twleve. and i dont know how i should feel. one year older. will that make me any wiser? does that make me any smarter? i doubt time will ever make any difference to me.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
{ 7:22 AM }
stop irritating me!!!!!!!!!! i am so irritated because everyday it's so noisy. the both of you are always bugging me. why cant you just leave me alone! firstly you are such a noisy person. not only are you long winded, you are also picky, bossy and busybody. in the first place, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! you also. always say people noisy. you yourself also equally noisy and irritating. forever threatening me. i dont understand why must you give me so much pressure. why cant you treasure all that you have and stop taking everything for granted and thinking about what will happen when you start to lose them. my goodness. i think i am so going crazy. nowadays cant seem to keep myself focus. and i feel so stupid. i am such a stupid girl. it's a disaster to have me in this world. one more stupid and useless person wasting the land, eating more food, using more water, wasting electricity..sigh.
if you dont care, dont act like you care. i know you dont. so stop pretending and stop your disgusting actions. i feel disgusted by your everything.
